Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall

Sun.jpeg

If you believed all of the positive things everyone else says about you, who would you be?

 

Here I am scrolling through facebook per my terrible morning habits, when I halt at this question posed by my dear meddling friend, Jordan. She means well, really.

People post inspirational, thought provoking hoo rah rah kind of nonsense by the minute on facebook, and I’ll be honest, normally I roll my eyes quite a bit, and keep moving along in hopes of finding a decent article or video of puppies. And then this question poked and prodded at me clinging on like some kind of brain barnacle.

I think my own answer to this question is that I would be genuinely confident. I don’t consider myself to be unconfident. And yet in the last six months I have repeatedly been told to be more confident, be more assertive, and if I get called “soft spoken” one more time I just might jab someone real swift in the throat.

 I realize that somewhere along the line I began to keep my thoughts inside my head because I was tired of being considered arrogant and a bit of a bitch. As I increasingly monitored how my words would be received the more I kept my thoughts inside for fear of being wrong, considered stupid, or arrogant. And now after tucking away my thoughts for so long I find that they remain tangled inside my mind, and I freeze trying to unravel them fast enough. I find myself avoiding confrontation because being “likeable” became more of the goal than being assertive and not allowing people to use me like the front door mat.

I am sitting here wondering why as women we are often so terrified to be considered arrogant or overconfident.  Oh wait, maybe because the second we assert ourselves we’re told to “calm down.” Don’t be so emotional. Well, sorry that you have emotional range of a TEASPOON! (Ohhh Hermione) But. This could be a whole different essay and so in the words of Ms. Fey, bitches get shit done.  End of story. 

So Once Again…

If you believed all of the positive things everyone else says about you, who would you be?

I would be someone who acts with the knowledge that they are smart enough, capable enough. I have a friend who teasingly calls me a genius because I was a determined little brat who pushed though high school and college a bit faster than the norm. Neither of which have ever made me really feel smart – there will always be someone smarter. But still I would hear my friend’s voice instead of the one who quickly chimed in to cut me down with words about my ego not needing another drop more.

I would feel as capable and competent as others have said I appear to be. They don’t know that I second-guess every other action.  Or maybe I would be okay with the discomfort of constantly grappling with how to do better instead of feeling like I should simply know how to do everything. (And do it well mind you.) I would trust what my intuition is telling me instead of watching it pass me by as I wonder if it’s right. I would hear feedback as what it is: feedback, and not code for you’re failing, you should be doing so much better.

I would know I’m a good writer without relying on reactions and numbers. I would believe that my heart is actually soft and kind even though sometimes sarcasm is easier. My fingers wouldn’t be itching to delete the few positives I’ve handed myself.

The question posed is hard. It’s really hard. It’s hard because it asks you to consider both the dark and light in yourself. The places where you nailed the darkness down yourself because it was easier than seeing the light underneath. The places you shield your eyes from because you won’t admit that there really is light there after all.

The question is asking if you know who you really are and not who you tell yourself you are. And now if you can find out who you really are, then are you able to accept it? Can you say the good things about yourself that you’ve been hearing? I think that’s a litmus test of sorts – can you look in the mirror and actually say the words. If you do, then I will.

Xo,

CMB


P.S.

I know I have been off the grid a little creatively for the last few months, but a brain child that I've been brewing on for about a year now is finally launching. Coffee Days & Whiskey Nights is a twenty somethin kind of love letter that will find its way to you on Sundays. Fair warning that my love letters aren't of the Romeo & Juliet genre - they often include quite a bit of sarcasm & sass along with the love hehe. If this sounds like your jam, then you can hop on over to the side bar and sign on up. <3